I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
