oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
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