We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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