i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Randomize
