he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
