how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
