I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
