i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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