Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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