i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
