Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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