As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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