all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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