I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
