you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Randomize