i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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