You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
