who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You were trust falling into bushes
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
