cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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