There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
