I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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