I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
