I wish I could punch you in the face.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize