What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
