I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
