That's when you crack a 10am beer
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
