I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I accidentally burped into my bong.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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