Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
