so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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