How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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