my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
