I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
