This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
