the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
