Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
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