Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize