I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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