I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
