6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
