foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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