My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
