every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
