so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
