Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
