She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
