I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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