I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
