will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
