I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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