She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
