dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
