i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Randomize
