Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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